PrincessPinkaloo

*66 WAYS TO BE ANNNOYING
*50 FUNNY THINGS TO DO IN A ELEVATOR
*20 DIRTY THINGS ACTUALLY SAID IN FOOTBALL
*60 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN
*30 RULES IF MEN RULED THE WORLD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
66 WAYS HOW TO BE ANNOYING:

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn't matter which.
2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.
3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.
4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.
5) Improvise Italian operas.
6) Gossip about someone to their face.
7) Answer every question with a question.
8) Repeat yourself constantly.
9) Act like a member of the opposite sex.
10) Repeat yourself constantly.
11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.
12) Repeat yourself constantly.
13) Change what you repeat every now and then.
14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.
15) Change what you repeat every now and then.
16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.
17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.
18) Change what you repeat every now and then.
19) One word: Caffeine.
20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.
21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyou'resaying.
22) Using non-existent words like George Bush would.
23) Change what you repeat again.
24) Speak in rapid Spanish.
25) Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space.
26) When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally.
27) Change what you repeat again.
28) You are better than everybody else. Let them know so.
29) Rudely correct everybody's grammar.
30) Don't proper grammar use while you are correcting them.
31) Pretend to be drunk.
32) Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator.
33) Change what you repeat again.
34) Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and don't answer to anything else.
35) Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys.
36) Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth.
37) Change what you repeat again.
38) For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak.
39) Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable.
40) Pretend to be high.
41) Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
42) Change what you repeat again.
43) You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that.
44) Speak in Gaelic.
45) Blink rapidly and constantly.
46) Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where.
47) Strut.
48) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
49) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.
50) Become "The Masked Wedgie Giver."
51) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
52) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
53) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a ''spider person.''
54) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: ''Don't let him in! He's the killer!''
55) When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
56) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: ''I hope I fixed it this time.''
57) Beep when a large person backs up.
58) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the ''little men.''
59) Insist on making inanimate objects ''dance''
60) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
61) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
62) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
63) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
64) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
65) Insist that life is ''one big musical,'' then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
66) Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it "Check list for Today." Don't let anybody forget that you have it on.

50 FUNNY THINGS TO DO ON A ELEVATOR

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

20 DIRTY THINGS ACTUALLY SAID IN FOOTBALL

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.

60 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

30 RULES IF MEN RULED THE WORLD

1.Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
2.Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
3.Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
4.If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
5.Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it.
6.Birth control would come in ale or lager.
7.You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."
8.Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
9.The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
10."Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
11.At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
12.It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
13.Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
14.Tanks would be far easier to rent.
15.Garbage would take itself out.
16.Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
17.Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
18.Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
19.On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
20.St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
21.But it would be celebrated every month.
22.Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
23.Two words: Ally McNaked.
24.Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
25.The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
26.The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
27.It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
28.Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
29.When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
30.Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
31.The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
32.People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
33.Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
34.Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation

Piczo